Ladies and gentlemen, I have been a little crazy.

Author oh, rebecca. Category

Life has been, if not difficult (but it is) then at the very least, confusing and weird, and I have not been responding to it as I should.

I found out roughly a week and a half before classes started that I actually was accepted, which resulted in a rush of trying to get my financial aid taken care of, and registering for classes, and an inordinate amount of freaking out.

I freaked out because I'm switching majors entirely, meaning I have to get all of my college-specific courses done (most of my cores are out of the way), and besides that, it's ART school. I have always kept my 'art' pretty close to the vest and never really considered schooling in it or a career in it until a talk with Bonnie sparked it and set the wheels in motion. But as I am not very good with criticism or critique or bullshitting art students and art teachers about art, it's a little worrisome.

I freaked out because I really cannot afford school right now, especially if my financial aid doesn't go through. I already had to have my aunt buy me my studio/design class supplies and my astronomy textbook, and am scrounging for parking money by finding coins in my couch cushions and returning pop bottles that have been languishing in my kitchen for months and months. As of right now, I don't even have enough gas money to get to both my jobs tomorrow, much less eat anything besides ramen or oatmeal (staples in my residence). Today I dropped off the last of my documents for the aid office to review though, and hopefully some dollars will be forthcoming.

I was only able to register online for two classes, all the others I wanted or needed having been filled up by people who were probably notified of their acceptance more than a week and a half before classes started. After hemming and hawing and considering I could just show up to some of the others I wanted and wheedle and whine my way in, or wait a week and register in one once some losers dropped out (and therefore miss a weekish of academia), I decided to stick with the two classes. For one, in case my financial aid *doesn't* go through (fingers crossed), it will be far less of a strain on me; also, given that I'm trying to a) balance my two jobs as it is and b) find a new job or get more hours at my current job, only having two courses to work around (one of which is an online course) is a lot more flexible and less stressful.

All that school shizz aside, life is STILL pretty ridiculous. I'm still dealing with stupid feelings for at least three people I shouldn't even be thinking about, plus having at least two crushes on people who probably aren't interested in me, my terrible knees, the whole ridiculous work situation, stupid barn drama, my lack of commitment to losing weight because I don't have the money or time to eat well right now (or so I tell myself), money drama up the wazoo and out my friggin' ears, and general malaise, and, well... I cracked a little bit, a lot bit.

Last weekend I was in a fairly depressive state and rather stupidly decided to watch Grey Gardens, which I'd never seen even though I'd owned it for probably two years at this point. Well, let me tell you that this is not a good movie for a crazy girl with a crazy mother to see, ever, much less when she's already in a fairly depressive mood. I spent the evening laughing at some of the film (the parts in which I didn't see either my mom or myself) and crying at the rest of the film (the parts in which I saw more of myself or my mother than I'd care to admit). After the movie was over, I felt restless, empty and scared. Really scared. And then proceeded to delete the whole of my phonebook (except for my mom, my aunt, my grandma, and inexplicably - Twitter). One of my crushes texted me shortly thereafter, because I'd logged onto facebook and said I was down (true) and he didn't want me to be down (true). He helped erase some of the crazy, but there's only so much other people can do.

Sunday was fine. Barn, riding, good times, etc.

Monday, Monday had another incidence of crazy. I worked at the barn in the morning and then met my mom up at the State Fair for the last day of it. We took a million pictures and ate a million foods and had a million funs. I was ultra-tired when I got home, so I chalk some of the crazy up to that, but really, not all of it. When the evening news came on, they started talking about the State Fair and its closing and what would happen to the fairgrounds, and I fairly lost it, again (so maybe some of the crazy can be attributed to my feeling of helplessness over that whole situation - but maybe I'm winnowing down my feelings of GENERAL helplessness over my whole life to that one thing; scapegoating, anyone?). Well, I became a quivering, sniveling ball of mess, thinking Very Bad Thoughts about life and how I didn't want it anymore. Cue text-sniveling to a good friend, and phone-sniveling to Mom, and I fell asleep, restlessly, uneasily, but asleep nonetheless.

Nothing's really been fixed in the past week, but it's a new Monday and I'm still here and I've got friends I love who love me back and it's almost my birthday and my horse is doing great in her training and I am officially a (part-time) art student and my dog is being good and my house is (slowly) getting clean and ultimately I have a lot to be thankful for and be proud of, even if sometimes I need a giant fucking smack in the face to realize it, and I will not end up like Big OR Little Edie.

I promise


Abstaining Irene said...

It's ok to be a mess every once in awhile. Everyone needs a good exhausting cry fest in their life. Because then, it feels all the more better when you snap out of it. Things will definitely keep going up for you! Art school is going to be incredible! Congrats on that! And keep your chin up and lots of tissues in your bag (just in case).

LiLu said...

Girl, you got a lot on your plate. At least you see it! One step at a time...

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