Results

Last week when I was on campus I saw a flier for a free depression screening, which I thought was this Wednesday. I've been feeling pretty blue lately so I decided to do it, and came up to school today with the intention of taking the test or whatever it is, knowing full well what the answer would be.

Got to school, can't find a booth or anything so hop on my trusty Mac to look it up on the OU website.

It was last month.

I don't know my months, apparently.

It's not that surprising to me.

Just another disappointment in a string of failures.

I took a few online screeners. "Your results are consistent with moderately severe depression." "Your results are consistent with anxiety disorder." At least I'm consistent with something.

Next up on the docket: find free or low-cost help. This probably won't be easy, as I have no money and no health insurance. I've thought about doing this for awhile, since before Nate and I broke up, but never did. This month I can't make rent, I have an eighth of a tank of gas and no money to fill it, just got some stuff out of pawn that it looks like will have to go back in so I can fill aforementioned gas tank and my tummy, I'm probably going to fail all my classes, I can't get enough sleep, I eat like shit, I'm sitting here in the OC trying not to cry for reasons unbeknownst to me, and I generally don't care.

So, it's time.

That having been said, at least one thing is going right for me. For now. I'll probably mess that up too.

Time to fix me.

In other news, I took a Colorgenics quiz which told me the following about myself:

You have exaggerated demands on life but you are cautious enough to try to hide these beliefs from the outside world. You are covert enough to try to impress other people around you with your achievements and at the same time able to put on an act of pretending to be 'humble' - being the same as everyone else. It would appear, however, that whatever you are doing seems to be working out O.K.

You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.

You know what you want and you are very dogmatic and demanding - especially in your emotional demands. You have specific ideas and beliefs and if these beliefs are not realised you can become extremely frustrated. You may not be that perfect but you are looking for perfection with the perfect partner.

Unacceptable restrictions have been forced upon you and this is resulting in severe frustration and stress. You are looking for independence and consequently you shy away from any restriction and avoid obligations of anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressure and want to escape from it so that you can obtain what you need, but unfortunately at this particular moment in time you lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

You seem to be always on the defensive and that is because you have failed to establish yourself in a manner consistent with your own high opinion of yourself. You are trying to prove yourself with inadequate resources and this has resulted in considerable stress. You are trying to escape from these excessive demands on your reserves by adopting a defensive attitude in which you refuse to be committed or to be involved in further unpleasantness.

I'm not sure what Colorgenics is, and it's probably the kind of New Age-y bullshit malarkey I love to mock, but that seemed pretty accurate. Could just be that I'm really susceptible to suggestion, though. It probably is that. I still read my horoscopes, too.