I Britneyed last night.

I am horrified with myself.

I watched it again. I was sucked into an old episode of an old cycle of ANTM even though I've seen it before and know the winner of the cycle (McKey. Ew.) And helpless to change the channel, even though the remote lay just millimeters from my fingers, I left it on CW. When the previews/start credits rolled, I thought "No. It can't be... I mean, it is exactly one week since the last episode. But... there's no way. Not a chance. Right?"

Wrong.

Hitched or Ditched. Shoulda ditched it, but I remain hitched to it in a sick perverse way.

I won't talk at length about it, other than these thoughts (which will probably end up being quite lengthy):

•Moving from Chicago to LA to pursue an "acting career" when your intended spouse has a great job at an ad agency in Chicago is not a great idea. Insisting that your intended spouse give up said great job so you can pursue some pipe dream (as for her "acting career" I'm envisioning either a) waitressing tables or b) porn, because she's got the boobs for it.) is a terrible idea. Breaking up is a much better idea. Rebecca moving to Chicago to win over the cute ex-intended spouse in question and never force the issue of relocating is the best idea. Game over.


•The father of the bride and his wife/bride's stepmom live in a house filled with dolls. Creepy antique dolls. And to "celebrate" the announcement of their sawed-off-shotgun wedding, she brought out a dancing plush pig wearing a leather jacket and leather cap the likes of which has only been seen on Village People. And then she insisted on dancing with the groom-to-be and making sexual innuendos to him. Something Everything is not right with this picture. Creepy.
•Father of the groom and his wife made out, rather intensely, rather disgustingly, and for rather a far longer time than was necessary, on camera after hearing the news of the impending wedding. Inappropriate. Highly.
•Of three rings (a princess-cut with trillium on the sides, a round cut, and some abomination of gauche taste, a pave something or another that looked like a diamond ate a diamond and threw up diamonds in an indiscriminate way all over diamond diarrhea), she chose the hideous one. Poor taste, pt. 1.

This ring is classier than what she picked.*
•When asked what her perfect wedding dress would be, she replies "tight, maybe a little boobalicious." Poor taste, pt. 2.
•Hot Cops at her bachelorette party. This normally would be Great Taste, pt. infinity. These guys were pretty hit, though, so it gets designated as: Poor Taste, pt. 3.

This is what a real Hot Cop looks like.

Want to know what happened? Me too. My buddy Eric dragged me out for cheap beers at a local bar so I have no idea!**

*Okay, I really just don't like super flashy engagement rings. So maybe to normal people it was simple and elegant but to me it looked like poopies.
**Just kidding. Of course I didn't leave till it was over.***
***You still wanna know, don't you? Okay. They actually got married! This is shocking and upsetting to my cynical heart. I am not quite sure what to believe about life, love, and happiness now. HALP.