Dear Guy (or Gal) Who Won the $133m Mega Millions Lottery,

I have a proposition for you. You apparently don't want to pick up your ticket, even though it's worth $82.7mill in a lump sum payment, which judging from the area where you purchased your ticket, is an amount the likes of which you'll never see again. Unless you are one of those strange and fascinating creatures who dresses poorly and chooses to live well below their means (rather than well above their means like the average American) while hoarding cash money dolla bills like they're going out of style, until they die and it is discovered that they've left their vast fortune to some unheard-of charity or their barber. Even if you are one of those creatures, my proposition still stands.

Here it is:

I'm betting that maybe New York state is one in which maybe your identity is made public as a lottery winner, and maybe you don't want your nasty great-uncle* or your wicked stepmom** or your brother's next door neighbor's dogwalker little cousin calling in that favor you drunkenly promised him/her when they bought you a $3 beer after you'd clearly had too many to begin with, and that's why you haven't stepped forward to claim your prize. I can understand your apprehension.

Here's the thing though, buddy, or lady. This is not one of those church-fair prizes, a basket of mismatched toiletries and a random book or kitchen gadget. This is not one of those home-expo prizes, where they call you a week later and WOW HOORAY CONGRATULATIONS, you've won a security system, valued at $1000, and you only have to pay the $850 installation fee!

You flat-out won a metric ton*** of money. Own it.

And obviously the best solution, rather than going through the (I'm assuming) lengthy and arduous process of setting up a blind trust to anonymously claim your winnings, hire me. I will be the face of you. If you don't like my face, you have my permission to change it****.

I will make public appearances identifying myself as having won that metric ton of money after purchasing my ticket at Shiv Convenience Store in Jamaica, NY. I will have to deal with the outpouring of long-lost family, former friends, and one-time acquaintances and colleagues looking for a handout - and they won't even be yours to deal with, because it will be my friends and family falling for our great hoax, our switcheroo!

You, new friend, can just sit on your tuchus on your brand new 1500 thread count sheets on your new California King bed and order ridiculous things like the Transparent Canoe Kayak and the 7-foot Robot or the most expensive non-commercial espresso machine I have ever seen in my entire life. I will be out dealing with the crazies and the craziers for you. I will hand over comically over-sized checks to the charities of your choosing, if that's the route you want to go (and I hope it is, at least for about $5mill of it - it's the right thing to do). I will shield your true identity from the media and your circle of family and friends, as long as I can*****.

All this can be yours for the low price of $25,000! That's .03% of what you're getting from the lottery: totally doable, and absolutely affordable. Think of how much easier your life will be with me running interference for you. So, think about it, okay? I mean, really. Think long and hard about it. It would save you so much trouble in the short run, and probably in the long run too!

I'll be making sacrifices, too... all those friends I've acquired over the years by promising to hook them up with some cold hard when/if I win the lottery? They're gonna be pissed at me when I refuse to give them dollars. I'm probably not gonna have any friends left! Or family! So, really, I'm willing to lose friends and family for a pretty small fee. Did I say $25,000? I meant $50,000******.

Yours, sincerely, truly,
Rebecca

P.S. I am mostly serious.

*I'm not in any way implying that I have or have had one of these.
**Same
***I'm not actually sure how much $82.7mill weighs - it probably doesn't weigh that much when broken down into dollar bills, but I bet it does when converted to dollar coins or quarters or pennies or something. Let's try it out when we get the money, okay!?
****At your expense, plus another $10,000 for me for pain and suffering. It's only fair. I'm kinda used to my face, after all.
*****For at least one year. After that you can hire me as your lifelong stand-in******* for all financially-related appearances, at a cost of $50,000 a year - a paltry sum, if you ask me. If you're really frugal, you can look forward to having me act as your public stand-in for a very long time!
******An extra $25k for loss of friends and family is perfectly acceptable, in my opinion. Probably a lowball estimate, too, so you're getting off easy. Real easy. Easy street. Easy as pie. Easy peasy.
*******I will also be your live-in maid/butler/chauffeur/cook for an additional $25,000 a year. What a deal! What a bargain! HIRE ME NOW! Also, if you are attractive/smart/funny/pleasant enough of a fellow, I will offer to marry you for FREE as long as you will support me in the way to which I would love to be accustomed. If you are a gal, well, we'll figure something out, I promise.