Rebecca Is Not That Kind of Girl. (Or is she?)

I went to an awesome party on Saturday, held as a scholarship fundraiser/memorial for a friend's sister. I hung out with a handful of great people I already knew, met a lot more great people I'd never met before, and was around even more great people whom I didn't necessarily meet. Drank a lot of awesome drinks, ate some amazing food. I had a superb time.

I was also, apparently, That Girl.

Because I am easily frustrated, self-dissuading, and extremely impatient, and because the rest of the world does not move at the same blisteringly superhuman pace to which I am accustomed to moving, I was at a few points on Saturday convinced that nothing was going to ever happen with LL. Ever. I talk about it like it is, and I severely hope it is, even though we've both made mistakes where the other is concerned (personally, I have probably made more with him than I have with all other guys ever in my life. Okay, probably not, but it feels like it). And I was even telling a friend at the party about some things LL said to me when we hung out last week, things that giddied me to the core, made me more hopeful than ever (and have the utmost potential to let me down/destroy me).

But, a few whiskey sours and a few jello shots later and I was on the hunt. I might as well tell you now and be upfront about it, but I'm a flirt. A big, flirty flirt of a flirt. I don't care if you're male or female or somewhere-in-between-ale. If you are capable of holding a conversation with me, replete with humor, intellect, and hopefully a few references to Lebowski, you will be subjected to my flirting. I'd say it's no different when I'm drunk, as you'd think I'd still be Miss Willy Nilly Flirty Filly, but it is a little different, as I have a target, an objective in mind. Minds out of the gutter, my dears, not quite that far. I just like making out, okay?!

So with that being my goal, I like to hone in on one person, and devote my flirtations to them. It doesn't mean that if others flirt with me I'll turn away and deny them that chance. No no. In that regard I am equal opportunity. In fact, in addition to the one person I flirted the most with, there were at least three to four whom were in flirt periphery zone. If they flirted with the flame, the flame flirted back. But I didn't seek them out, I let them come to me. It's how I operate.

The only thing is, I had no right to flirt with my main objective, and for two reasons:

•Ostensibly, I am wanting to be with LL, and thusly shouldn't be wasting anyone's precious time by flirting and/or wanting to make out with him.
•(that this is second in the list to me speaks volumes) This guy has a girlfriend.

Major party foul.

I am not That Girl. I have made it my life's course NOT to be That Girl after an unfortunate months-long escapade* in which I was, and felt shitty about it the whole time and for months after. And even in the case of LL, when I found out the lines between him and me and his ex were all pretty fuzzy and blurry, rather than try to duke it out with some invisible opponent, I withdrew from competition, though rather ungraciously/ungracefully.

(If you are wondering, I have also been The Girl Who Cheated, once in my entire life and never again. I gave myself the worries so bad that I had a stomachache for a week. And all I got out of it was a broken gnome**.)

But because I was pretty tipsy and in the company of new and newer friends, I felt quite brazen, so the flirting was shameless, relentless, and, might I say, not ill-received. Even after it was apparent to us, and to others, that our flirtations were perhaps the subject of much ire from a certain woman, we didn't stop. I can't say anything for him, as I'll probably never be allowed in the same room as him, much less talk to him, but I was a flirt-snowball rolling down the hill, picking up momentum and purpose every inch of the way. And I don't know why.

Yes, he was adorable, and awesome, and we had a lot in common, but not so much as to be creepy. But he has a girlfriend. And having also been in the position where a girl was hitting on my boyfriend, it is not a fun thing to behold, and I know that, emotionally and intellectually. I knew all this, I knew all this and more and it didn't stop me. (Or might I add, him) Was it because I honestly didn't expect anything more to happen, and thus felt secure enough in that to let the flirting continue? Or was it because I honestly thought something (negative) might happen between them and I would walk away the victor, maybe not that night but the next, or next week, or next month, or next year?

I wish I knew the answer. The truth is, I'm no better off today than I was four or five days ago; I don't know any better why I did it. I know that if I had a boyfriend like that, I wouldn't be mad at him all the time; but if I had a boyfriend like that, I would be mad at any girl that tried to get with him; but if I had a boyfriend like that, I'd treat him so nicely that he'd like me so much that he wouldn't flirt back; but who knows? I don't have a boyfriend like that - or any boyfriend - so all I'm saying is mere conjecture and random rambling.

Do I want to be with LL? Yes. Even if it doesn't last, I need to try it. Does that mean I'll keep waiting forever? No. Even if, as my friend Eric said, I need to move slowly with LL, like a glacier. He says glaciers always win. Win what? Win the game of having ships run into them and capsize and lots of people die? That game sounds unfun to me. Let's play Mille Bornes instead.

Do I think I could have had a shot with Mystery Guy? Well, that's a tough call. I'd normally say that in different circumstances - for both of us - yes (or at least a maybe), but then who knows what those circumstances might end up being. And maybe that's just magical thinking anyway - I want to pretend this could happen in my magical little world, because I know it won't, because he has a girlfriend.

My point is that I'm, in the words of the Pernice Brothers, "waiting for the wait to stop." And until the wait stops, I'll probably end up having little fits of this here and there. I hope it doesn't always turn into me flirting with girlfriended guys. I hope it never turns into that again!

Good lord, do I want this wait to stop.

*It was a case of "I'm not happy with her, she's not happy with me, you make me happy, but I can't break up with her right now." Which, I know, is the pre-marital version of "I don't love her anymore, she doesn't love me anymore, I love you, but with the kids and the new house we just bought... I can't just leave now." Rather, I know that NOW. At some point, I surely thought that he was going to leave her for me - when he was ready. Right. In any case, it was months of waffling before we did anything, and when we did I felt evil, which is a feeling I don't like to feel. I'm generally a pretty sweet person, though I have my moments erupting into sailor-or-truck-driver-worthy swearing on the road or playing video games.
**Which is definitely a story for another day. I mean it. I can't believe I haven't told the story of the Broken Gnome yet. It's a life-changer.