"my words"

as saved by my t9word entry on my phone:
:/, :\, :C, ahh, aww, blah, brandon, calexico, couldn't, crap, cunt, damn, doggy, doke, ew, frankie, fuck, fucking, gabs, haha, haven't, hd, hehe, hmph, how's, i've, lindsay's, long-lost, longgggg, mcd, nah, olga's, okie, omg, ouch, peggah, peggah's, pissed, pres-elect, sharon's, she's, shermrock, shit, ss, tipper (this one has me at a loss... I don't recall ever typing a text message about Tipper Gore, which is the only logical explanation I can think of for ever typing "tipper"), txts, ugly-cute, wasn't, wouldn't, wtf, yay, you'd

I love how the only emoticons are ones depicting sadness, awkwardness, or general meh-ness. And I don't know why it saved "shermrock" but not shermrock's surname, "fuckface." Also, I used Calexico all of once. Hmm.


Now, for your fapping pleasure, I present you with Rebecca's Updated and Probably Complete For A While List of Totally Lustworthy Chefs and Cooks!


1. Anthony Bourdain.
Hello? Maybe you're like most of my friends and find the picture of him nude with a GIANT BONE in front of his dude-hooha appalling, but if you're cool and NOT like them, you can find it in the book My Last Supper. Aside from the myriad pleasurable hallucinations this picture (and admittedly, other, more appropriate pictures) has given me, I like the dude because he is a straight-talking, no-shit, son of a bitch, and that is commendable. I also like him because he loves Kraft Mac n Cheese when stoned. I love Kraft Mac n Cheese any time, so we'll figure out a compromise. I also wouldn't mind sharing a plate of, like, hagfish or bull pizzle or something with him, and that's saying a lot for me. Must-try recipe: Scrambled Eggs with Smoked Nova Scotia Salmon, Chives and Creme Fraiche, with Osetra Caviar on Buckwheat Blini - hello amazing!!


2. Johnny Iuzzini.
Unlikely pastry magnate and rough 'n' ready sexpot. I first saw him on, of all things, Paula Deen's show. (sidebar: I abhor Paula Deen and all of her Southern-fried cooking because every single episode I've seen of the show consists of slathering something in butter or straight-up lard and deep-frying the ever-living-fuck out of it. For a Thanksgiving ep I caught once, she sliced up canned cranberry jelly, fried the slices, and covered them in sugar. To me, that screams "trailer trash cuisine" more than anything else, but whatever floats, I guess. I digress.) The only good thing Paula Deen has ever done for me is to introduce me to his tattooed ass (well, I can only assume). He can bake me a cake, any day of the week. Preferably Mondays. Must-try recipe: Warm Honey Tart, Grapefruit-shiso granite & charred oranges (though I wonder if mayhaps blood oranges would be even awesomer).



3. Jamie Oliver.
Hi. He's British. I don't think much more needs to be said. If every American household kitchen came equipped with a Naked Chef, we wouldn't eat so much fucking fast food. I'm fairly confident of this. I can't vouch for the validity of this story but rest assured, I'm not the only one would've been more than happy to rub some aloe on that. Oh yeah, his recipes are pretty awesome, too. Must-try recipe: Asparagus, Mint and Lemon Risotto sounds amazing to me right now.


4. Tyler Florence
Looks like a nice, friendly, awesome dude. Unfortunately also looks like any number of my old crushes, and one really really assholeish friend-of-a-friend, but kitchen skills crush unfortunate look-a-likes in my contest. Dude shops for potatoes with the cutest "determined" face I've ever seen. Must-try recipe: Crispy Parmesan Butternut Squash Chips. Holla!


5. Rocco Dispirito
I don't really know much about this dude or his cooking (or his dancing since he was apparently on Dancing with the Stars), but he is some serious GQ-worthy eye candy. He seems like he might be a little bit of a douchebag because of aforementioned calculatedly smokin' good looks, but for a man who can cook, we can let that slide. For the record, that is why I put him in slot #5. Must-try recipe: Blueberry Pomegranate Consomme with Whipped Cream Fraiche. He had me at Froot Loops.

Disqualified for blatant meanness: Gordon Ramsey
Disqualified for blatant trying-too-hard-ness: Guy Fieri
Disqualified for TGI Friday's affiliation: Guy Fieri
Disqualified for blatant annoyingness: Emeril Lagasse
Disqualified for neglecting to take me to Spain to be a part of Spain, a Culinary Road Trip: Mario Batali, Mark Bittman
Disqualified for being Paula Deen's sons: Paula Deen's sons

So there you have it, 2008's list.